Sunday, March 15, 2009
Twisty Topsy
There must be something in my stomach bouncing around because it feels really funny and doesn't want food. I am having a horrible day...horrible. I've discovered that my medicine isn't working completely. No it is not. I feel like I am inside the world's largest ball of cotton. Way down in there. Deep. Lots of cotton. Tons. Tons. And my stomach has the swirly curly feeling. Today is not a good day.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Broken Brain
I just got out of a ten day stay in the hospital. I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I am taking medicine that makes me feel really bizarre. I cannot go to the movies because I can't focus on one that long. I cannot sit down to read a good novel because I can't concentrate. I currently am unable to work. I cannot go to places that are really busy because it confuses and overwhelmes me. My life has ultimately crashed down upon me. I have no clue what to do with myself.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Head In the Sand
Okay...I can try my best but I cannot successfully make this blog about something other than what goes on in my life. I mean seriously...not just the day to day stuff that is simple and unoffensive or unsavory. Savory...sushi...yum. I am already bored with this thing because I have to try and figure out something pleasant to write about vs. what I really want to write about. So screw it...I shall write about whatever I want.
I have Mental Illness. Of what sort...I don't know because it hasn't been diagnosed. I already had some serious anxiety problems...lots of phobias, too much stress, panic attacks. But now it has decided to morph into something completely different. Apparently some of the symptoms mirror severe depression. Here's the thing...I do not feel depressed. I know what depression feels like as well. Overwhelming mental pain, sadness, not caring about doing what you were interested in, feeling like you are worthless and stuff. I've done all that before and I don't have that now.
What I do have is no appetite. The upside? Weight loss!! I like weight loss...been meaning to do that anyways. Trouble sleeping...I can't get to sleep when I want to and I wake up way before I intended...averaging about four hours of sleep a night. The upside? Not sure but I never feel tired so there isn't much of a downside. (My computer suddenly decided to not recognize contractions...) Inability to control my moods. I have four moods these days...of which I will detail soon. Which mood I have each day...is not up to me anymore. Complete lack of stress. Seriously, I've gone from always being super stressed to no worries. I don't worry about all the things I have to do...or all the things I've done...or all the what-ifs. It is excellent. I am super relaxed and carefree. I have not felt this worry-free in...I can't remember when.
My moods:
I have labeled them, Butterfly, Water, Cactus, and Cotton.
Butterfly=feeling good. Butterfly days are good days. I feel confident and logical and functioning. I am peppy and optimistic and interested in life. I like butterfly days...but they are quite rare.
Water=Down days. I feel like I am sitting at the bottom of a pool...everything that goes on around me is above water. However, I can make the choice to stick my head above water and participate. So water is kinda depressed and slow but I have quite a bit of control over how I interact with the world on these days. Water days are pretty common.
Cactus=angry! Basically, I am a cactus and everything that comes near gets stuck. On these days I literally wake up yelling in anger at something. Could be the dogs, or the bed, or anything. I spend the entire day angry at everything and I hate myself for it. Less control on these days because I would prefer not to be so angry but can't seem to stop it. Cactus days are also pretty common.
Cotton=the most horrible. On these days everything about me is in slow motion. I also feel like I a wrapped in a very thick amount of cotton...everything around me is muffled and hard to concentrate on. Work is horrible because when I am there and people want my help...it is extremely difficult for me to focus and think enough to help them. Everything from my thinking to my speech to my movements slow way down. I also am typically left with very little memory of what specifically occurs on these days. I am way deep inside myself without the option of changing such. Functioning goes way down as well. Doing anything but sitting and staring required extreme effort. Cotton days are more frequent that butterfly days but still not common...1 or 2 a week maximum.
These are really the only moods I have now. I absolutely hate that this is what is going on. It is not fun to not be able to choose how I will feel for the day. I am so frustrated with all of this that I have actually taken steps to get diagnosed and medicated...things that I am highly opposed to. However, the truth is that I can only continue living like this for a limited time.
Want some more pleasant news? Okay.
Today was Valentine's Day. It was actually a pretty good one. Very good actually. Aside from the fact that Adam's grandfather had a stroke this morning. We don't know much about his prognosis. Saw the International tonight. It was pretty good. Movie theater was packed. I mean, horrible...even though we bought tickets ahead of time. It was so packed that in order to get out of the theater after the movie, you had to move in a single file line. Tsk tsk.
Work is going well. I have tons of dog training classes. More than ever! I also got to be the photographer for today's dog valentine's day pictures at Petco. It was super exciting and fun. I loved it. Got some really excellent pictures. Good experience.
I'm going to look into starting a website in which I will sell photos and art. Maybe make some extra money!
Bought an old Coldplay cd tonight. Also bought a laptop cooling fan to put under my computer. Now maybe the overheating and dying will stop. Perhaps my laptop does not benefit from overheating and dying?
Tried new gum...it is gross. However Icebreaker Wintergreen mints are awesome.
I think that is it for now.
I have Mental Illness. Of what sort...I don't know because it hasn't been diagnosed. I already had some serious anxiety problems...lots of phobias, too much stress, panic attacks. But now it has decided to morph into something completely different. Apparently some of the symptoms mirror severe depression. Here's the thing...I do not feel depressed. I know what depression feels like as well. Overwhelming mental pain, sadness, not caring about doing what you were interested in, feeling like you are worthless and stuff. I've done all that before and I don't have that now.
What I do have is no appetite. The upside? Weight loss!! I like weight loss...been meaning to do that anyways. Trouble sleeping...I can't get to sleep when I want to and I wake up way before I intended...averaging about four hours of sleep a night. The upside? Not sure but I never feel tired so there isn't much of a downside. (My computer suddenly decided to not recognize contractions...) Inability to control my moods. I have four moods these days...of which I will detail soon. Which mood I have each day...is not up to me anymore. Complete lack of stress. Seriously, I've gone from always being super stressed to no worries. I don't worry about all the things I have to do...or all the things I've done...or all the what-ifs. It is excellent. I am super relaxed and carefree. I have not felt this worry-free in...I can't remember when.
My moods:
I have labeled them, Butterfly, Water, Cactus, and Cotton.
Butterfly=feeling good. Butterfly days are good days. I feel confident and logical and functioning. I am peppy and optimistic and interested in life. I like butterfly days...but they are quite rare.
Water=Down days. I feel like I am sitting at the bottom of a pool...everything that goes on around me is above water. However, I can make the choice to stick my head above water and participate. So water is kinda depressed and slow but I have quite a bit of control over how I interact with the world on these days. Water days are pretty common.
Cactus=angry! Basically, I am a cactus and everything that comes near gets stuck. On these days I literally wake up yelling in anger at something. Could be the dogs, or the bed, or anything. I spend the entire day angry at everything and I hate myself for it. Less control on these days because I would prefer not to be so angry but can't seem to stop it. Cactus days are also pretty common.
Cotton=the most horrible. On these days everything about me is in slow motion. I also feel like I a wrapped in a very thick amount of cotton...everything around me is muffled and hard to concentrate on. Work is horrible because when I am there and people want my help...it is extremely difficult for me to focus and think enough to help them. Everything from my thinking to my speech to my movements slow way down. I also am typically left with very little memory of what specifically occurs on these days. I am way deep inside myself without the option of changing such. Functioning goes way down as well. Doing anything but sitting and staring required extreme effort. Cotton days are more frequent that butterfly days but still not common...1 or 2 a week maximum.
These are really the only moods I have now. I absolutely hate that this is what is going on. It is not fun to not be able to choose how I will feel for the day. I am so frustrated with all of this that I have actually taken steps to get diagnosed and medicated...things that I am highly opposed to. However, the truth is that I can only continue living like this for a limited time.
Want some more pleasant news? Okay.
Today was Valentine's Day. It was actually a pretty good one. Very good actually. Aside from the fact that Adam's grandfather had a stroke this morning. We don't know much about his prognosis. Saw the International tonight. It was pretty good. Movie theater was packed. I mean, horrible...even though we bought tickets ahead of time. It was so packed that in order to get out of the theater after the movie, you had to move in a single file line. Tsk tsk.
Work is going well. I have tons of dog training classes. More than ever! I also got to be the photographer for today's dog valentine's day pictures at Petco. It was super exciting and fun. I loved it. Got some really excellent pictures. Good experience.
I'm going to look into starting a website in which I will sell photos and art. Maybe make some extra money!
Bought an old Coldplay cd tonight. Also bought a laptop cooling fan to put under my computer. Now maybe the overheating and dying will stop. Perhaps my laptop does not benefit from overheating and dying?
Tried new gum...it is gross. However Icebreaker Wintergreen mints are awesome.
I think that is it for now.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
February Tradition
Forget Valentine's Day...I have a tradition that is way better. The Sports Show! Every year since I was 12, I have gone with a guy. It started out with my dad a few times...then it became a date with current boyfriends...and now it is a tradition with my fiance.
Last year, Adam and I went and we got our caricature made. This year we went and dreamed about owning the RVs. We also bought lots of jerky (boar, elk, alligator, ostrich), a pound of fudge, a dreamcatcher with a bear in it, and keychains of Greyhounds and Irish Wolfhounds. It was excellent. I really want an RV. With two bedrooms. That way...the dogs have a bed and we have a bed and then we can go wherever we
want. That would be awesome. All the trips to agilty and flyball events would be great.In other news I hate being sick. My head feels like it is going to explode due to massive amounts of sinus pressure. I want my sinuses removed. Why can't they be like galbadders and appendixes.
Here are some pictures from my sketchbook journal. Its a new thing I started.
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending...it turned into a butterfly."
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The Beginning of Something
The decision to make a blog is not a quick one. First, you must find a place to store your blog. Then, you must decide what to call it. Or...you choose to call it something that reflects the topic of the blog...which happens to be a whole other decision. Will your blog be a political debate? A personal journal about everyday life? A humorous viewpoint of the world? A product review? Then, you even have to decide what your blog is going to look like!
Or, you can choose to not make a decision. At least, not a logical one. That is the path that I choose to tread. I typed in blog on Yahoo! search and picked the first site it selected. My title is simply two words that came to mind at random. For the template, I closed my eyes and pointed at a random sample. And the topic? Well...that has yet to be decided.
This is not a political blog. For that to work I assume that I would need a firm understanding of politics. As it is, I possess only enough knowledge to comfortably vote for political candidates. This is not a personal journal about everyday life. It might be a description of detailed life at times...but not an intimate one. For that I can simply find one of my many blank paper journals and start writing should the desire to do so occur. Sometimes, this blog might be funny if the mood to make it so suits me on that particular day. I will only do product reviews in a pathetic fashion should I be pissed off at a particular one. (I hate Steak Escape) So...I'm not sure what that leaves me with. I guess this will be quite a random blog that describes whatever I feel is worth writing about when I begin my composition. Yeah...this should be interesting.
Or, you can choose to not make a decision. At least, not a logical one. That is the path that I choose to tread. I typed in blog on Yahoo! search and picked the first site it selected. My title is simply two words that came to mind at random. For the template, I closed my eyes and pointed at a random sample. And the topic? Well...that has yet to be decided.
This is not a political blog. For that to work I assume that I would need a firm understanding of politics. As it is, I possess only enough knowledge to comfortably vote for political candidates. This is not a personal journal about everyday life. It might be a description of detailed life at times...but not an intimate one. For that I can simply find one of my many blank paper journals and start writing should the desire to do so occur. Sometimes, this blog might be funny if the mood to make it so suits me on that particular day. I will only do product reviews in a pathetic fashion should I be pissed off at a particular one. (I hate Steak Escape) So...I'm not sure what that leaves me with. I guess this will be quite a random blog that describes whatever I feel is worth writing about when I begin my composition. Yeah...this should be interesting.
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